postage.

i open my mailbox and glance eagerly inside, my hands sifting through the electronically addressed envelopes.  bill, bill, someone offering a credit card, some unknown college. my heart then skips a beat (or two, or three) as my fingertips discover a worn envelope with my name penned so neatly in the center.  the top right corner includes the words santa barbara and the stamp is pasted neatly on the edge.  i weigh the parcel in my hand, subconsciously guessing the number of pages i knew would be covered in his tidy capitals.  i then rush home, looking absurd on my smallest brother's razor scooter.  one hand on the bar, the other grasping my letter.  i rush into my house and settle on the couch, running my fingers over my name and slowly under the seal.  the lined paper lies innocently folded in the envelope, and when i begin to read the letter that begins with the two words, "hey, love" i'm home again.

b.

c'est la vie.

hello everyone! because i have been awful, awful i tell you, at keeping up kyle's blog, i created a new one just for his mission.  this way, i'll actually know what's going on because i formatted it, causing me to post more.

anyway,

please follow this here blog. (click the "here" click the "here!")

in a crowded place, i see just your face.

i received some videos from the boy i love today.  i've never heard a better rendition of "i hope they call me on a mission." he makes me smile in every single situation.  he is my other half.

everyone, send your prayers to my socal boy.  help him feel our warmth from miles away.

thanks a bunch and a half.

b.

when i saw him, felt the room divide into pieces,

oh, the lights danced around us just like stars in the sky.

new year's resolution: wear more red lipstick.

i feel like i need to begin this post with this here phrase: happy twenty-twelve! there.

continuing on.  did anybody watch the bachelor last night? well, i did.  i'm definitely a strong advocate of the bachelor.  i mean seriously, who doesn't get addicted to that drama?  every girl and most men claim to the bitter end they are too sophisticated or classy or grown up to watch the immature drama of the bachelor.  i would say the high majority of those people are lying.  i'll be the first to say that i adore it.  every monday night i eagerly sit by the telly awaiting the satisfying drama. goodness me.

last night, though, was extremely dramatic.  i found myself slapping my own forehead and exclaiming, "oh my golly gosh, are those women serious?" multiple times.  let's recap.  first, there's the obviously psycho girl, i think her name is jenna, that has already been labeled as the overly-dramatic-in-the-bathroom-cryer for good reason.  heavens woman! it's the first night and you're already sobbing and talking to yourself in the bathroom, so much that you almost missed the rose ceremony? can you spell p.s.y.c.h.o?  you're not helping yourself, darling.  pull it together!  then, second, there is the quite-possibly-a-lesbian-woman from utah.  thanks for giving our pride state such a wonderful name! disclaimer: utah women aren't usually lesbians, trust me.  third, ben keeps them both on! what in the world? if one's an emotional wreck and another's a lesbian on the first night, you send them home! common sense! i was flabbergasted, amazed, in awe! this show is going to be the death of me, i swear.

watch the bachelor.  please.  it won't disappoint.

b.

ring, ding, diddly.

i have a new obsession with rings.  ahem.  enjoy.

feel free to buy me any of these, really.

b.

she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.

i miss you.  i miss our late nights watching movies and i miss our campfires up the canyon where you sang to me and played your guitar for hours. i miss you when i'm sad, when i want you, the only person in this entire world that can comfort me, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss the joking kisses when you arrived at my house for surprise visits, i miss your involvement in my life.  i miss telling you the crazy things that have happened in my life, you giving my brothers silly girl advice, you laughing with me.  i miss your dirty jokes, our smart cookie runs, our long chats.  i miss my best friend, so much.  life isn't life with you away from me.  

i think of our last memories together: sitting in your car two days before you left and me crying into you.  i promise, i was really, truly trying my best not to cry.  i remember the sunday before you left. going to church with you and taking pictures in sunday school... what rebels. i cried again (ugh) and you wrote me a letter that made me cry more.  i remember the day we said goodbye to each other. thirteen days ago. sitting on my couch not knowing what to say... not knowing what to do.  you gave me your mtc address and it was suddenly so real that you, my best friend in this entire world, would leave me for two whole years.  i remember you leaving my house for that final time and saying "see you soon." you kissed me real sweet and left to your car, turning once to wave again and blow me a kiss.  to say that was the hardest moment of my life is an understatement.  i didn't want you to leave. i would have done anything to run to you and never let you go, but i had to let you go. i had to let you go. 

missions are a strange thing.  i know it is so good, and i know you are supposed to be there. i know that. but at the same time, i want you here with me so bad, so terribly it hurts.  every single moment since you have been gone, i've missed you.  i miss you when i'm sad, angry, and lonely... but mostly i miss you when i'm happy.  every time i'm happy, i want to be happy with you.  nothing could ever change that, really.  you're the only person i could ever be totally, completely happy with.  you make me so happy... more than you could ever know.

i don't know. the reality of things is: you're gone. you are, and i just have to face that fact.  you, my dear, will not be with me for one hundred and two more weeks.  i got your letter today, and when i opened it and read your sweet words, suddenly i knew everything was going to be okay.  i'm so glad you're happy.  it makes everything okay because you are happy.  ah, all i know is i love you with all my heart and can't wait for you to get home! scratch that... i can wait.

mm. i love you.

b.

on our hands, our wrinkles understand, we never wanted more.

in my life i have always been waiting. waiting for my next vacation, waiting for the semester to end, and now, i'm waiting for someone to come home.  but what if life isn't about the waiting, what if it isn't about getting to that next point in your life? what if life is supposed to be what happens on your journey to that point? what if it's what you learn until the semester ends, if it's the things you accomplish, experience, and the ways you grow until he gets home? maybe i'm completely off-base, but i believe that if you're always waiting for something, you'll get to that final point and realize you wasted a wonderful life full of opportunity sitting and waiting.

i'm just saying... i think i'll spend my waiting time enjoying life.

and when he gets home, we can do the life enjoying together.

also, my favorite band isn't on itunes, which is a problem. will i be downloading australian itunes? yes, yes i will.

b.

p.s. kyle is sending home letters and letters and more letters! *jumping in the air for joy* go here to read parts of his letters and see how he's doing!