the now.

my name is brittani and i hate the unknown. i wouldn't say i'm someone who is afraid of the unknown, no, i'm not afraid. i'm just that girl who needs to always know her next move. each morning (usually in math class, whoops.) i plan my day. embarrassingly enough, i even jot in when and where i am going to eat my meals. i like knowing, i like planning.

since i was a little girl, i had a plan. it was absolutely and completely foolproof.  i would find the love of my life my senior year of high school. he would go on a mission and return home with honor. i would tie a precious bow around all the letters we had written in the past twenty four months, he would propose to me, and we would have the most fairytale wedding to ever exist.

this plan began unfolding wonderfully in my senior year of high school.  i met the boy i thought was the absolute love of my life and he got ready to serve a mission. only a few months later, my plan came crashing down on top of me.  it smothered me, and i couldn't get up for air. what was supposed to be my wonderful fairlytale had in fact turned into a tear-filled nightmare. 

to this day, people still ask me if i'm okay, and the reality of it is i only feel one emotion now. gratitude. i am so very thankful the situation played out as it did. there isn't a day that goes by i'm not overflowing with gratitude for the opportunities i have and for the place i am now with my life.  i suppose you could say it wasn't meant to be, and although i strongly agree, there are many more factors that went into the situation as a whole.  we weren't right for each other. not one bit. we have different goals, and much different ambitions. we are going much different places in life.  even now, our choices have put us on completely diverging paths. together would have resulted in a very negative consequence for us both, and i truly believe our lives would not be as happy as they would be apart; now or in the future.

so here i am, for the first time in my life completely content with the unknown. i don't know where i'm going to meet him, or where, or even how. i don't know if he will be blonde or brown, if his eyes will be blue or green. i don't know his major, his occupation, his origin. all i know is he's out there, somewhere he's out there. and right now he's making decisions that will lead him to me, and i am making decisions that will lead me to him.

someday, i'll meet my prince charming. 

and i promise you, it will be the most fairytale wedding to ever exist.