on my mind.

there's a lot on my mind today. then again, when isn't there a lot on my mind? do you want to know what i'm thinking about? (you probably don't care, but just go with me on this one.) okay then, i'll tell you.

i'm thinking about this owl on the top of my post, and how the reason i put it there was because it reminds me of my little brothers. i love my little brothers so much, like an insanely indescribable amount. so much that i could never imagine loving anything more than those two boys.

i'm thinking about how today was a really good day. i think besides me being a terrible sport when i got destroyed in monopoly by a boy who didn't even know how to play (and i mean destroyed. like embarrassingly), i am kind of getting back to myself again, cause i haven't really been myself lately. who really knows why.

i'm thinking about how i made fun of a girl today. maybe it was in my head, maybe i shared it with my best friend, either way, it was mean, and i feel really bad about it.  i mean, it's definitely not my business how many boys she kisses and how many missionaries she proclaims to have. i don't have the right to talk bad about her, cause maybe she's actually a really good person.

i'm thinking about how weird things are lately. i'm going on a recruiting trip this weekend to my top choice college and i'm possibly going to sign with them next week if i think it feels right.  it's so strange to have this sort of control (not saying i really have much control, i just like to think that, maybe). but i like the feeling. having someone important know who i am and want me.  it definitely makes me feel special knowing that a school so many people get rejected from is paying for me to go up and visit them. i like it. i also giggle every time i think about it because for sixteen years of my life, i promised myself i would never, under any circumstance, go to that college because of "family loyalties". it's funny because i would kill to go to this school now, and it's weird because my family is behind me every single step of the way.

i'm thinking about everything, really.  i'm thinking about my uncle with brain cancer who i really hope will get better soon.  i'm thinking about the cliche "loving" of cats in the blogging, indie community.  i'm sorry everyone, really, but i kind of hate cats.  i'm a dog lover, shoot me. i'm thinking about the empty feeling i get whenever i hear "on my mind" because i know who gave that track to me, and i know he's gone, probably forever. and i'm thinking about how i don't like that. not at all.  i'm thinking about how long this post is, and the harsh reality that nobody's really going to read this and that, in all reality, it's only for my personal sanity.  i'm thinking about the stressful things in life like, how am i going to pay for college and remain un-anorexic at the same time? and, how are things going to end up? who am i going to be, and how am i going to be it? i'm thinking about blinking caution cones and poop in a bag lit on fire. (sidenote: if you ever get a flaming paper bag on your front porch, do not stomp it out. if you do, you will have melted poop on your shoe. there you go, fair warning.) i'm thinking about how everyone tries to be different by being the same, and i am thinking about a conversation i had about this with someone i really care about, and i remember his responses really bugging me. looking back, they were good answers.  i am thinking about how i should have taken advantage of something in my past, and how i really should have treated it differently, and how that is one of my biggest regrets because i don't know if i can ever fix the damage i've caused.

i'm just thinking, i guess. about everything and everything.

my only resolution: i'm going to be writing a kick-butt letter tomorrow.

"the darkness falls, the shadows break, and the dawn returns, and even then i can't explain how deep it burns, let your thoughts release the cold, and you'll find the body's younger than the soul. i've been known to take my time, i've been told that i'm alright, i don't know if i'm your kind, all i know is that you are... you're on my mind."


b.