she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.

i miss you.  i miss our late nights watching movies and i miss our campfires up the canyon where you sang to me and played your guitar for hours. i miss you when i'm sad, when i want you, the only person in this entire world that can comfort me, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss the joking kisses when you arrived at my house for surprise visits, i miss your involvement in my life.  i miss telling you the crazy things that have happened in my life, you giving my brothers silly girl advice, you laughing with me.  i miss your dirty jokes, our smart cookie runs, our long chats.  i miss my best friend, so much.  life isn't life with you away from me.  

i think of our last memories together: sitting in your car two days before you left and me crying into you.  i promise, i was really, truly trying my best not to cry.  i remember the sunday before you left. going to church with you and taking pictures in sunday school... what rebels. i cried again (ugh) and you wrote me a letter that made me cry more.  i remember the day we said goodbye to each other. thirteen days ago. sitting on my couch not knowing what to say... not knowing what to do.  you gave me your mtc address and it was suddenly so real that you, my best friend in this entire world, would leave me for two whole years.  i remember you leaving my house for that final time and saying "see you soon." you kissed me real sweet and left to your car, turning once to wave again and blow me a kiss.  to say that was the hardest moment of my life is an understatement.  i didn't want you to leave. i would have done anything to run to you and never let you go, but i had to let you go. i had to let you go. 

missions are a strange thing.  i know it is so good, and i know you are supposed to be there. i know that. but at the same time, i want you here with me so bad, so terribly it hurts.  every single moment since you have been gone, i've missed you.  i miss you when i'm sad, angry, and lonely... but mostly i miss you when i'm happy.  every time i'm happy, i want to be happy with you.  nothing could ever change that, really.  you're the only person i could ever be totally, completely happy with.  you make me so happy... more than you could ever know.

i don't know. the reality of things is: you're gone. you are, and i just have to face that fact.  you, my dear, will not be with me for one hundred and two more weeks.  i got your letter today, and when i opened it and read your sweet words, suddenly i knew everything was going to be okay.  i'm so glad you're happy.  it makes everything okay because you are happy.  ah, all i know is i love you with all my heart and can't wait for you to get home! scratch that... i can wait.

mm. i love you.

b.

on our hands, our wrinkles understand, we never wanted more.

in my life i have always been waiting. waiting for my next vacation, waiting for the semester to end, and now, i'm waiting for someone to come home.  but what if life isn't about the waiting, what if it isn't about getting to that next point in your life? what if life is supposed to be what happens on your journey to that point? what if it's what you learn until the semester ends, if it's the things you accomplish, experience, and the ways you grow until he gets home? maybe i'm completely off-base, but i believe that if you're always waiting for something, you'll get to that final point and realize you wasted a wonderful life full of opportunity sitting and waiting.

i'm just saying... i think i'll spend my waiting time enjoying life.

and when he gets home, we can do the life enjoying together.

also, my favorite band isn't on itunes, which is a problem. will i be downloading australian itunes? yes, yes i will.

b.

p.s. kyle is sending home letters and letters and more letters! *jumping in the air for joy* go here to read parts of his letters and see how he's doing!

i heard your heart sing love, love, love.

my brain is fried due to finals week, so enjoy this playlist i created especially for you.

tunes that make you think of your lover

{by brittani}

1. honey, let me sing you a song...matt hires

2. i'll be seeing you...billie holiday

3. little house...amanda seyfried

4. think of me...rosi golan

5. beautiful girl...william fitzsimmons

6. my best friend...tim mcgraw

7. a thousand years...christina perri

8. love, love, love... avalanche city

9. anything he played you on his guitar, really.

then you can watch this video and cry a little bit because it's so adorable.

and if you haven't watched her "two years" video, scroll down my page and watch it.  it'll make this even cuter.

then you should write a letter, probably color it a lot, fold it nicely, place it in an envelope addressed to the mtc, stick the little stamp in the right hand corner and drop it in the mailbox.

well, i guess that's what i did today.

have a lovely monday!

b.

the mailman comes in one hour.

yes.

just accept the fact that all my posts are going to be pathetic for a while.

scanning through his blog reading his posts...


june 27.


 Another thing on my mind lately, is this beautiful girl, Brittani Finlayson. I struggle to write what I feel for her, and I can't pinpoint what it is about her, but it is perfection. She has made me so, so happy. I have been damaged from past experiences, and I swore I would not let my walls down. With her, I don't have walls. I have nothing to hide, I want to share with her everything I am feeling.  And for whatever reason why things all worked out now, I feel like it was meant to be. I hate saying goodbye to her, whenever it is. She is always on my mind, and I keep writing about her, because it is all that I really want to do... It's strange really, to not understand what love is entirely, but be convinced that you feel something that is so strong, even if it's so premature. It energizes me, and gives me the desire to keep moving forward. I am a lucky man, to have B.

My mind seems to always find its way to Brittani


august 14.


Ultimately, I just love her, and I love all my time with her.
I think the reason we have so many late nights out together is we are so bad at saying goodbye. I don't like it... I hate it! I never want to say bye, I just want to take her with me. Anywhere I go. So.... love is on my mind. And right now, on this late night, it makes it hard to sleep, thinking about my lady.

You're more than a lover, you're my best friend.

cause 730 days isn't that long... right?

heart beats fast,

colors and promises,

how to be brave,

how can i love when i'm afraid to fall,

but watching you stand alone,

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow,

one step closer.

i have died everyday waiting for you,

darling don't be afraid i have loved you,

for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

time stands still,

beauty in all she is,

i will be brave,

i will not let anything take away,

what's standing in front of me,

every breath,

every hour has come to this,

one step closer.

and all along i believed i would find you,

time has brought your heart to me,

i have loved you for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

one step closer.

one step closer.

b.

p.s. if you want to know what's going on with kyle on his mission, go here.  ky's mom and i will start updating it once he starts sending letters home!

you are all lovely.  

who do i miss?

this boy.

you're more than a lover, you're my best friend.

my eyes hurt. they're puffy and red and my forehead is a little bit blotchy. today i said goodbye to the boy i love with all my heart. i sit on the couch listing to our songs and staring at the picture he gave me of himself with a love note on the back. i log into his facebook just because i can.  i wrap up in the blanket we watched pride and prejudice in on sunday. 

it's crazy to think that for two years everything will be different.  it hurts my heart a lot, actually.

i'm thankful for all the time we had together.  for the moments i squeezed his hand too tight and for the times he let me cry into his shoulder.  i'm thankful for the times at seven peaks, for the first time he told me he loved me, for the family dinners.  i'm thankful for our break-up, our getting back together, our growing a little bit.  i'm thankful for every single moment i have had with him.  

i know it sounds really crazy and possibly unreachable, but i'm going to marry him when he gets home.  i understand that there are a billion boys out there, but out of the billions, i want kyle.  i want kyle.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

he refuses to say goodbye. today he left my house with a "see you soon."

b.

infinity and beyond.

you. remember when we first met? i was fifteen and you were seventeen and we were both in our swim suits.  you were chasing me around the pool at state with a big jug full of water.  remember when it was really awkward between us because we knew we liked each other but shouldn't? i remember that.  remember when we started becoming really good friends and i would bring you cupcakes at work and you would text me every day? remember when my grandpa was dying and you called me when i was driving home from his house? i remember that so clearly.  i don't think you'll ever truly know how much it meant to me.  remember when you came over to my house to be with just me alone for the first time? it was the last day of school and we looked at my yearbook on the couch... really close.  remember the first time you held my hand? we were sitting on my couch late at night and it was absolutely wonderful.  remember our first date to orem days? the first time you kissed me? it was during knight's tale and i had just gotten out of the shower. i remember being so afraid of you kissing me.  there was nothing to be scared of, we fit perfectly. remember our summer under the stars? our late nights on the golf course, our long conversations, and our vehicular activity (wink, wink)? i remember everything.  the whole crazy ride.  every single moment of our time together.

now you're leaving.  in two days we will say our goodbyes and you'll be gone for two years.  i can say things like, "it's going to be really good" or "i'm so excited" but i can't do that right now, sorry.  all i can say is i'm so very proud of you, kyle.  more than you could ever know.  i love you with all my heart and soul and everything else you can love a person with.  you are my other half.  i love you to infinity and beyond... and the mostest hostest.

you're the best.

b.

happy saturday.

i'm sitting in my room with nothing but a lamp on.  it's dark outside and the wind is shaking the world around me.  yes, you've got it right.  it's finally poetry weather. so go grab a cup of cocoa and read my favorite poem in the whole wide world. (it's also exactly how i'm feeling. go figure.)

a valediction: forbidding mourning.

by: john donne

as virtuous men pass mildly away,

and whisper to their souls to go,

whilst some of their sad friends do say,

"now his breath goes," and some say, "no."

so let us melt, and make no noise,

no tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;

'twere profanation of our joys

to tell the laity our love.

moving of th' earth brings harms and fears;

men reckon what it did, and meant;

but trepidation of the spheres,

though greater far, is innocent.

dull sublunary lovers' love

-whose soul is sense- cannot admit

of absence, 'cause it doth remove

the thing which elemented it.

but we by a love so much refined,

that ourselves know not what it is,

inter-assured of the mind,

care less eyes, lips, and hands to miss.

our two souls therefore, which are one,

though i must go, endure not yet

a breach, but an expansion,

like gold to aery thinness beat.

if they be two, they are two so

as stiff twin compasses are two;

thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show

to move, but doth, if th' other do.

and though it in the centre sit,

yet, when the other far doth roam,

it leans, and hearkens after it,

and grows erect, as that comes home.

such wilt thou be to me, who must,

like th' other foot, obliquely run;

thy firmness makes my circle just,

and makes me end where i begun.

b.