times like these, folks.

i've loved him on and off for four years. four years of intimidation and the kind of deep fear that seeps into your soul and makes you feel as though you are the most inadequate person ever born. four years of me falling in love with different boys and him falling in love with different girls, double dating and discreet flirting. four years of awkward giggles and secret glances, of pathetic jotting of his name in my journal and across the margins of my papers. four years of break-ups and half-consoling trailed with the fear of ruining friendships, breaking barriers, destroying a code; secret hang-outs and text messages destroying us both. months of no talking, trying to be good friends, attempting to make life work without the other. four years of everything and anything that could have happened to us both.

now i wonder how i have lived seventeen years without having him in my life.

it's the times like today when i'm lazily ironing crayons in the front yard as he unwraps crayola after crayola and breaks them into paper cups, the kisses that last anywhere between ten seconds and ten years that make my mind shoot flaming off into the sky and through the atmosphere into an endless galaxy. when country music is blasting his speakers and our voices fill the air, when we are sitting still and his hand finds mind. it's the times where he tickles my sides and bites the back of my legs, where we end up on the floor in a full-blown wrestling match that i may or may not win every single time. (may not). it's his hugs, his cute smile that wrinkles the corners of his eyes in a way that makes me want to kiss them, his nervous laugh and his genuine chuckle that could melt any heart. it's the surprise "i love you's", the kisses on the forehead, and his presence in each one of my dreams.  it's the times when i think, "finally." 

it's times like these, folks.


b.