a decision.

i just returned from the most amazing recruiting trip of my entire life.  people always say, "when you visit the school you're supposed to go to, you'll know. oh goodness how true it is.  i was so nervous about making my college choice, but everything fell together perfectly.

so all you student-athletes, you'll know. keep looking.

both of my options are amazing schools, but i'm so glad i picked the one that's right for me.

my favorite things about the university of utah: {by brittani}

1. the team.  i have never seen a college team more tight-knit.  they do everything together and are such great friends.  i adore the friend atmosphere at the u.  also, i've never seen a team that takes the term "swimming and diving" seriously.  the u truly is a swimming and diving team. the swimmers and divers do everything together, which really adds a new element to the swim team.  i love it.

2. the coaches.  the coaches are amazing.  it's a really young coaching staff, but they all have amazing amounts of experience and knowledge concerning swimming. i love the coaching staffs' dedication to the team.  they will do everything in their power to give every swimmer all the opportunities possible to achieve their goals.

3. the coaching's vision.  i feel like a lot of colleges only really look at your fastest time; the university of utah does not.  the u looks at many different factors: they look for your consistency, they look at your potential.  i love their vision. that is something i need in my coaching: coaches who have high goals for me, coaches who will help me accomplish them.

4.  campus.  oh heavens, could the campus be more beautiful? it's definitely the most beautiful campus i've ever been to.  the atmosphere is so fun, the buildings are so awesome, and it's only thirty minutes away from home which means my family can come visit me and come to my swim meets.  

5. academics.  while at the university of utah, i c ompletely changed my major. i went polar opposite, actually.  journalism to oncology. the university of utah school of medicine is one of the best medical schools in the country, and i get to learn there! i'm so lucky.

6. everything about it.  i cannot think of one thing i don't like about this school.  it is perfect for me, and i couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of it all!

go utes!

b.

where to go, what to choose?

hardest choice ever.

where am i going for the next four years of my life?

b.

awesome.

i feel liberated.

everything is so divine.

14 things that are just so terribly awesome. {by me.}

1. tennis grunts.

2. inventing new food items at the buffet.

3. old people pants.

4. little kids on bikes.

5. high-fiving a stranger.

6. making really gross slurping noises while eating a really juicy peach.

7. when insects are struggling to do something and you help them (like roll over).

8. the middle of a cinnamon roll.

9. the person lying down in the front of a sports team photo.

10. going really fast over speed bumps in the back of a school bus.

11. drinking from the hose.

12. eating a free sample of something you have no intention of buying.

13. people who look like their pets.

14. you.

why is life just so awesome?
i don't know.
awesome.

without me, all you'd be is "aweso"
...that's pretty lame.

"and this is my brain, and even if you try to hold me back there's nothing you can gain. cause i use mouthwash. and sometimes i floss. and i've got family. and i drink cups of tea."
and i'm singing uh-oh on a friday night and i hope everything's gonna be alright.


b.

p.s. if you were wondering, i didn't get a letter today.  i knew i wouldn't, but i ran to the mailbox all the same.

...how hard it is to make it look so easy.

my heart is ripping. and i'm lost and i'm confused and i don't know what to do or what i did.  all i know is i think of sweatshirts and late nights and messy hair and my heart aches.  it aches from the very core. nothing's the same and everything's different and i don't know where to go from here.  my best friend is gone.  the one who listened when i had a problem, the one who held my hand when i was scared, the one who told me i was beautiful when i wasn't. he's gone. and what are we left with? one girl whose tears mingled with the shower water and a boy who remains a mystery.  i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. all i want is some clarity.

new goggles.

hey, i took this picture. cool huh?

this is my little brother nathan... isn't he the cutest?

b.

cause my eyelashes catch my sweat, yes they do.

i'll write a real post sometime... i promise. i have an insane amount of writer's block.

in the meantime, check out my photography blog here. it may or may not actually have photos on it yet. be patient.

hugs and kisses and all lovely things,

b.

cutest thing ever? yes.

**this was on letters to crushes... and it kind of made my heart melt...

This is the letter my Grandfather read at my Grandmother's funeral two years ago. I feel like it's something I should share, and this is the place to share it.

"We were in the 5th grade and I asked if you needed a push on the swing.

You looked at me and smiled, but didn't say anything. I walked up behind you and gave you a gentle push, and that was the first time I heard your musical laugh. The first time I saw the twinkle in your eyes.

Our teacher snapped a picture as she walked by, collecting photos to show the parents at our end of school picnic that weekend. Remember, Liddy? You had on a pink dress and your shoelaces wouldn't stay tied. I always thought you hadn't learned to tie your shoes properly, but now I realize you were always moving so fast that the wind probably untied them.

In that shy boyish manner of giving you my favorite baseball card, I told you I liked you, Lid. And I've been telling you ever since. We became best friends. We were bandits and pirates; having adventures until the street lights flickered on. As we grew up we progressed to our first dance, our first kiss, our first fight. I learned that each blushing smile I got out of you was precious and treasured them. You told me your dreams, I told you my fears. Fears of war, of dying...of leaving you.

And now you've left me, Lid. And although I know you're not really gone, I'm still going to miss my best friend. But when I look at that black and white photograph of a mischievous boy with dark freckles standing behind a girl on a swing, smiling so widely with untied shoes, I know she'll be with me until I get to see her again. She'll be there reminding me to turn off the oven, to pray each night, to carry on with my days. She'll also remind me to put my teeth in so I don't scare the mailman again.

I love you, Liddy. You've been my crush for 62 years and you always will be."

i don't know what's right and what's real anymore.

let's be honest, the only thing i thought about today is the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.

it's a bad habit, really.

b.

it doesn't change.

time changes things.  it changes the way we feel about people and the people who make us feel like we belong.  it changes our hopes and our dreams and our futures. time heals you and breaks you and time makes you feel empty and time makes you feel full.  but there's some things that time doesn't change, things that time won't ever change. time won't change the way i felt when i got my first kiss, it won't change that night when i laid in my bed waiting for him so we could go stargazing. time won't change that concert, or the one time i showed him all my cameras.  time won't change the picture of that one starfish and it definitely won't change how i feel every time i see it.  time won't change how i felt when he pulled my chin and time won't change the confusion that washed over me when my lips weren't touched.  time won't change the fires, the borrowed jackets, or the messy-haired "you're beautiful." time won't change that. it won't. some things never change.

"you shot me to the ground staring in your eyes, so i could die a happy man today, so empty out your barrel girl it's alright, click clack away." (and to this day i don't understand how this quote applies to me.)

b.

anything and everything.

take my hand, i'll teach you to dance.

i'll spin you around, won't let you fall down.

would you let me lead, you can step on my feet.

give it a try, it'll be alright.

the room's hush, hush,

and now's our moment.

take it in, feel it all, and hold it.

eyes on you, eyes on me.

we're doing this right.

cause lovers dance when they're feeling in love.

spotlight shining, it's all about us.

it's all.

about us.

and every heart in the room will melt,

this is a feeling i've never felt but,

it's all.

about us.

suddenly, i'm feeling brave.

don't know what's got into me,

why i feel this way.

can we dance, real slow?

can i hold you, can i hold you close?

the room's hush, hush, 

and now's our moment.

take it in, feel it all, and hold it.

eyes on you, eyes on me.

we're doing this right.

cause lovers dance when they're feeling in love.

spotlight shining, it's all about us,

it's all.

about us.

and every heart in the room will melt,

this is a feeling i've never felt but,

it's all about us.

do you hear that love?

they're playing our song.

do you think we're ready?

love i'm really feeling it.

do you hear that love?

do you hear that love?

lovers dance when they're feeling in love.

spotlight shining, it's all about us.

it's all about us.

every heart in the room will melt,

this is a feeling i've never felt,

but it's all about us.

b.

p.s. you looked really good tonight.

and i like your smile. a lot.

you make the world beautiful.

it goes on.

life.

life is unexpected. everything, completely unexpected. life is when your uncle gets a brain tumor and life is when every once of information you get continues to get worse... and worse.  life. it's what changes your name and changes your grades and changes your personality and style and relationships.  life. it's what makes you fall in love, it's what makes you fall out of it.  life is the oxygen we breathe into our lungs and every flutter of our eyelids.  life is the late-night blogging and the forever long procrastination of research papers.  life is every moment we choose to let go and every second we cherish.  life is our opportunities, it's our good days and our bad days, it's our failures and our triumphs.  life is getting up after someone pushes you to the ground and probably stomps on you a couple times cause they really have no heart, and no soul for that matter.  life is what compels your friends to send you messages containing the words "i miss you friend, come back" and life is what makes you come back, every time.  life is what hurts your feelings and life is what makes you forgive.  life is your family, your friends, anything that walks into your life and steps all over your heart. life is hating people and loving people, and life is hopefully having the love outweigh the hate. life is attempting to do math and life is having a friend to teach it to you six times. and life is what makes you feel like an idiot half the time and the champion of the world the other half.  life is what makes us emotional, it's what whispers to us we deserve better. life's what causes all break-ups and life's what causes every change.  life is what makes you sporadically write a missionary and life is what makes you pray he scribbles a note back for you.  life is what makes the q on this keyboard difficult to press and life is what makes you press that q until it goes. life is what changes you and life is what changes me.  life is what makes you hope that every change is good. life gives you second chances, and third chances, and fourth chances.  life gives you room for improvement and life doesn't fail you, you're the one that can fail life.

if i've learned one thing about life, it's that it goes on.

you cannot change the past, but you can change your future.

"things change and people change, and life doesn't stop for anybody."

b.

p.s. guess who's going on a recruiting trip this weekend? me! don't be too excited. okay, be excited, cause i'm stoked and stuff.

on my mind.

there's a lot on my mind today. then again, when isn't there a lot on my mind? do you want to know what i'm thinking about? (you probably don't care, but just go with me on this one.) okay then, i'll tell you.

i'm thinking about this owl on the top of my post, and how the reason i put it there was because it reminds me of my little brothers. i love my little brothers so much, like an insanely indescribable amount. so much that i could never imagine loving anything more than those two boys.

i'm thinking about how today was a really good day. i think besides me being a terrible sport when i got destroyed in monopoly by a boy who didn't even know how to play (and i mean destroyed. like embarrassingly), i am kind of getting back to myself again, cause i haven't really been myself lately. who really knows why.

i'm thinking about how i made fun of a girl today. maybe it was in my head, maybe i shared it with my best friend, either way, it was mean, and i feel really bad about it.  i mean, it's definitely not my business how many boys she kisses and how many missionaries she proclaims to have. i don't have the right to talk bad about her, cause maybe she's actually a really good person.

i'm thinking about how weird things are lately. i'm going on a recruiting trip this weekend to my top choice college and i'm possibly going to sign with them next week if i think it feels right.  it's so strange to have this sort of control (not saying i really have much control, i just like to think that, maybe). but i like the feeling. having someone important know who i am and want me.  it definitely makes me feel special knowing that a school so many people get rejected from is paying for me to go up and visit them. i like it. i also giggle every time i think about it because for sixteen years of my life, i promised myself i would never, under any circumstance, go to that college because of "family loyalties". it's funny because i would kill to go to this school now, and it's weird because my family is behind me every single step of the way.

i'm thinking about everything, really.  i'm thinking about my uncle with brain cancer who i really hope will get better soon.  i'm thinking about the cliche "loving" of cats in the blogging, indie community.  i'm sorry everyone, really, but i kind of hate cats.  i'm a dog lover, shoot me. i'm thinking about the empty feeling i get whenever i hear "on my mind" because i know who gave that track to me, and i know he's gone, probably forever. and i'm thinking about how i don't like that. not at all.  i'm thinking about how long this post is, and the harsh reality that nobody's really going to read this and that, in all reality, it's only for my personal sanity.  i'm thinking about the stressful things in life like, how am i going to pay for college and remain un-anorexic at the same time? and, how are things going to end up? who am i going to be, and how am i going to be it? i'm thinking about blinking caution cones and poop in a bag lit on fire. (sidenote: if you ever get a flaming paper bag on your front porch, do not stomp it out. if you do, you will have melted poop on your shoe. there you go, fair warning.) i'm thinking about how everyone tries to be different by being the same, and i am thinking about a conversation i had about this with someone i really care about, and i remember his responses really bugging me. looking back, they were good answers.  i am thinking about how i should have taken advantage of something in my past, and how i really should have treated it differently, and how that is one of my biggest regrets because i don't know if i can ever fix the damage i've caused.

i'm just thinking, i guess. about everything and everything.

my only resolution: i'm going to be writing a kick-butt letter tomorrow.

"the darkness falls, the shadows break, and the dawn returns, and even then i can't explain how deep it burns, let your thoughts release the cold, and you'll find the body's younger than the soul. i've been known to take my time, i've been told that i'm alright, i don't know if i'm your kind, all i know is that you are... you're on my mind."


b.