actions, my dear.

words. they're only letters, sounds that echo in your brain, syllables that stumble out your throat.  they're only lines on a paper and curves you draw with your pencil.  sometimes they mean so much and sometimes they mean absolutely nothing at all.  i have come to the conclusions that words don't mean anything without an action holding its hand.  the phrase "i love you" means absolutely nothing until it is shown and the word "cancer" doesn't bother anybody until they see it happening.  words aren't anything.  it's the hollow "i'm sorry" that takes away all the validity of the apology.  nobody is sorry until they try to fix it.

i sat at my table last night with a red pen in my hand and a contract lying on the table.  looking up, i saw the people who actually care, the people who actually love me. i saw eighty of my best friends.  i thought about the people in my life who say they love me, who say they will always be there for me, and through all the faces in the crowd, i didn't see any of theirs.  i saw the people who actually cared, the people who actually love me, not the people who proclaim to.  i'm so thankful for the people in my life that show their love by their actions.

my cousin came from salt lake by himself because he knew it was important to me.
my aunts and uncles and cousins drove thirty-five minutes at night because they knew it was important to me.
my friends came from homework, from meets, from young womens, from work because they knew it was important to me.
my family made cake and brought pizza because they knew it was important to me.
my best friend came right when she could because she knew it was important to me.
my friend came before voice lessons because she knew it was important to me.
my neighbors from my old ward took their time to come over because they knew it was important to me.
my uncle with a brain tumor tried to come but was so sick he couldn't, but he sent me a long, loving text because he knew it was important to me.

it's so funny to me how the people who make such a big deal about the "sorry's"  and the "i love you's" can't even do something so simple because they know it's important to me.  it's the people who don't necessarily say they love me, but show it that make the difference in my life.

thank you to everyone who supports me, and thank you to everyone who shows me you love me.

i couldn't ask for better friends.

i love you guys.

b.

standing on the fringes of life.

i don't know.

i promise.

b.

times like these, folks.

i've loved him on and off for four years. four years of intimidation and the kind of deep fear that seeps into your soul and makes you feel as though you are the most inadequate person ever born. four years of me falling in love with different boys and him falling in love with different girls, double dating and discreet flirting. four years of awkward giggles and secret glances, of pathetic jotting of his name in my journal and across the margins of my papers. four years of break-ups and half-consoling trailed with the fear of ruining friendships, breaking barriers, destroying a code; secret hang-outs and text messages destroying us both. months of no talking, trying to be good friends, attempting to make life work without the other. four years of everything and anything that could have happened to us both.

now i wonder how i have lived seventeen years without having him in my life.

it's the times like today when i'm lazily ironing crayons in the front yard as he unwraps crayola after crayola and breaks them into paper cups, the kisses that last anywhere between ten seconds and ten years that make my mind shoot flaming off into the sky and through the atmosphere into an endless galaxy. when country music is blasting his speakers and our voices fill the air, when we are sitting still and his hand finds mind. it's the times where he tickles my sides and bites the back of my legs, where we end up on the floor in a full-blown wrestling match that i may or may not win every single time. (may not). it's his hugs, his cute smile that wrinkles the corners of his eyes in a way that makes me want to kiss them, his nervous laugh and his genuine chuckle that could melt any heart. it's the surprise "i love you's", the kisses on the forehead, and his presence in each one of my dreams.  it's the times when i think, "finally." 

it's times like these, folks.


b.

"i love you bud." "i love you more."

last night i was watching my little brother connor and all the little cute things he was doing. i leaned over, gave him a hug, and said, "i love you, bud." without skipping a beat, he smiled and said,
"i love you more."
moments like that in life make everything worthwhile.

b.

letters, missionaries, and other things on my mind.

today, as i was sorting through my mail, i came across a letter addressed to me.  i scanned over the title and address with my finger. miss brittani finlayson. the stamp had been worn from its long trip and the envelope slightly tattered. as i slid my finger under the seal, i realized how much i adore letters. the idea, the feel, the look. i love everything about personal letters.

this little pink envelope brought my ever-changing mind to another topic very prevalent in my life right now: missionaries.  i have a best friend named kyle. he is going on a mission very, very soon.  for a moment the other day, it hit me a little bit how soon he is actually leaving. it was strange to truly realize for the first time that i won't have him here with me for two entire years. he is the boy that i talk to every single day. he's the one that, even though most the time he probably doesn't want to hear it, i tell my problems and fears to. he's the one that helps me through just about everything. he's my adventure buddy. we laugh together, we play together, we do everything together. we love each other.  

the thing that boggles my mind throughout this whole ordeal is how good it is that he's leaving. i know with all my heart that this is what he's supposed to do. if anybody can change people's lives, it's kyle smith. he is the most real, genuine person i know. he never judges, he never is cruel or unkind, he is the most wonderful person on this earth. it makes me so, so happy that he will be able to change so many people's lives and fix so many families eternities. i am so proud of this boy, more than he could ever, ever know.

so i guess here is my conclusion: i'm so proud of him. i love him. he will change so many lives. when he comes back he will be the best man. i know this experience will make him a better husband and a better father. i just have to keep telling myself, "it's only two years, it's only two years, it's only two years." because that's what it is. only two years. and guess what? love can make anything, and i mean anything happen.

b.

forget about the rules and the fear.

b.

i'm not skirting around it any longer, i like a boy named kyle.

there's this boy. and his name is kyle. and every time i'm with him i feel like i'm floating.  there's something about him that i am unable to describe, something that, no matter how intently i try, never forms words. i am so absolutely crazy about him. he is wonderful beyond words.  

i have always been afraid of love, but now, for some crazy reason, i'm not. i don't know much about it, love i mean. i'm no expert, and i won't pretend to be.  all i know is that i'm learning. each day, i learn a little more what love's about.

i watched you sleeping,

quietly in my bed.

you don't know this now,

but there's some things that need to be said.

and it's all that i can hear,

it's more than i can bear.

what if i fall and hurt myself,

would you know how to fix me?

if i went out and lost myself,

would you know where to find me?

if i forgot who i am,

would you please remind me?

oh,

cause without you things go hazy.

b.

my mother.

i listened to a girl today say that she would never be like her mother. she pathetically exclaimed that everything her mother had done, in mothering, in life, and in general, she would do the opposite.  i looked in awe at that girl, wondering how in the world she could feel such a thing.  my thoughts drifted to my own mother.  the woman who has taught me so many valuable life lessons.  i thought about our rare mother/daughter relationship, and how i wouldn't trade it for the world. as i was thinking, i realized that i want to be just like my mother, my mother who has taught me everything by example.

i have watched countless times  my mother's genuine sweetness, gentleness, and kindness envelop someone. i have witnessed it surround me.  my mother is hard working. my mother is sweet and genuine.  my mother is kind and loving. my mother is crazy and loud.  my mother is understanding and forgiving.  my mother is faithful. my mother is true to what she believes. my mother has so many unique qualities that i only dream to possess in my lifetime.  i hope to be half the mother she is to me. i hope to be half the woman she is today.

i've watched my mother in wonder as she gently tucks her child into bed. i've watched her tenderly rock a baby to sleep.  i've watched my mother plant a beautiful garden.  i've watched my mother build homes for the poor and bring the broken happiness.  i've watched my mother work together with my father. i have witnessed my mother throughout most every situation, and i never ever cease to become increasingly impressed by her.  my mother is the epitome of a great woman.  she is my role model. she is my best friend.

you know what i want to be when i grow up?

a mom.

b.

hey, this heart is made out of deer.

why is it so hard to say "i love you"?


one of these days i'm going to say it without fear.


b.

be be your love.

there's just something about last night that was perfect.

maybe it was his head on my lap listening to jack johnson...

or maybe it was when he ran towards me, picked me up, and started spinning me around...

maybe it was when he put his arm around me...

or when he grabbed my hand for just a second...

or maybe it's just because i was with him.

b. 

someday.

confession: i'm obsessed with weddings.

ssh, don't tell.

one day i will find the perfect man. and i will fall in love with him. and he will be madly in love with me. and he'll ask me to marry him. and i'll say yes. then we'll be really, really poor like most newly married couples are. but we will get by and be happy because we will be deeply in love. we'll adventure together. we'll raise a pretty family together. we will teach our children the right. we will live life together. we will grow old together, still madly in love. we'll be together forever.  someday.

hey, let's look at my favorite engagement pictures in the entire world. okay?

you can find more photos by this wonderful photographer here and here. 

hey, you. let's just fall in love.

b.

be your own heroine.

i have an obsession with heroines. the beautiful, confident girls in books and movies that save people and do amazing things.  i love it when the girl beats the boy to it, when she is the one who cracks the code. i especially love it when she doesn't really need a boy at all.

society today places far too much pressure on having that "man" and girls are becoming less of their own heroines.  they think that they're worthless without him, that he defines her.  i am telling you thins. you're wrong.  girls are amazing. they can accomplish amazing things.  a woman can truly do anything if she sets her mind to it.  girls have that innate nature to be loving, caring, and kind; and that's what they're (we're)  here for.

we're here for the precious little babies brought to this earth. we're here to rock them to sleep, to sing them lullabies at night, to cuddle them and comfort them.  we are here for the little children. to guide them, to help them learn, to bandage up their knees when they fall on their bike, to kiss them on the forehead and sing them primary songs when they're afraid.  we're here for the teenagers. to have patience with them, to lead them and teach them, to let them know that they always are loved, to let them know they are special.  we are here for the men. to be his comforter and his strength, to show him what love is, to be partners with him in raising precious souls, to have fun with him, to make him a better person.  we are here for the world.  to be examples, to love, to care, and to give.

The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender.

There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind.

There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined.

We have enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith.

We have enough greed; we need more goodness.

We have enough vanity; we need more virtue.

We have enough popularity; we need more purity."

 -Sister Margaret Nadauld 

be your own heroine.


b.

weird.

"we're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love."


b.

hey, i have something to tell you.

1. I need to tell you something, look at 11

2. It's really important that you know, so look to 8

3. I'm just going to say it. Look at 13

4. Last one I promise, look to 9.

5. It's coming, I promise, go to 14

6. I'm just nervous, I'll tell you, at 3

7. I'm working up the courage, look to 10

8. I know, I know. You're getting angry. look at 12, you're almost there.

9. I just want to tell you that I love you

10. Alright, here it comes, at 15

11. I'm going to tell you, go to 6

12. Just look at 4.

13. I know, you're probably getting bugged, go to 7

14.You're almost there, now look at 2

15. Be patient, look at 5

b.

dreams.

dreams are what make us unique.

follow each dream,

and live every day as if it's your last.

hold tight to the people you love,

let people make you smile,

believe in miracles.

if you love life,

life will love you back.

b.

and sometimes... i wish i was in love.

i've never been in love.
sometimes i just want to feel what everyone is saying i'm missing.
i want that best friend.  someone i can trust with my soul with.
i want someone who cares about me to the ends of the earth.
i wonder if i'll know when i'm in love.
if i'll see him and know,  if i'll wake up one morning and know, or if it will take time.
sometimes... i wish i was in love.

b.

** p.s. i got this picture/quote from my dear friend elizabeth garces. she's a cutie.

tuesday tunes.

here's a list of tuesday tunes to brighten your day!

1. brighter than sunshine... aqualung
2. sweet louise... the bell brigade
3. the engine driver... decemberists
4. shell games... bright eyes
5. you're so pretty... field music
6. white winter hymnal... fleet foxes
7. no one's gonna love you... band of horses
8. surprise, surprise... brett dennen
9. happiness is all the rage... the promise ring
10. a mind of her own... pedro the lion

hope you all are having a wonderful tuesday.

b.

ps, i'm making mixtapes for my car because it's old and doesn't have a ipod jack.  hooray for mixtapes!  i think i'll like those better, anyway.

all you need is love, love, love is all you need.

all i'm going to say is,

love is all you need.

b.

**photos via. butterflyflys.blogspot.com and allposters.com

 

ode to journaling.

yesterday i was scrolling through my journal on my computer when i came upon an entry from this year's valentine's day.  the only way i can accurately explain the silliness of this entry is to post it. here it is.  [do you think i'm at all bitter? i don't think so]

       Today is Valentine’s day.  Valentine’s Day is the most inconsequential holiday in the history of holidays.  I ask, why is Valentine’s Day a holiday? Is it to remind eighty percent of the world that they don’t have someone in their lives that will even buy them flowers? Is it to show off your so-called boyfriend to the world just cause you can? Is it an archaic excuse to make out with your boyfriend all day and wear pink froo-froo outfits? I think it is pointless, lame, and sad.

I’m not saying all of this because I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not saying it because nobody will be my secret admirer on this day, I’m saying this because Valentine’s day puts a label on single men and women all over the United States.  High Schools all around America are looking down upon those without Valentines at this very moment. 

The thing we must realize is that being a single man or woman is not a bad thing necessarily.  I don’t see why High School students thrive upon weather or not they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Frankly, I think being connected or attached to someone makes life more dramatic and less fun while in high school.  Only a small margin of high school relationships even last, so why do we spend so much time making such a large deal about it?

I think that being single in High School should be smiled upon.  Being single in high school means you can hang out with whoever you want on the weekends, it means you don’t need to monitor who you kiss, it means you can flirt hard core whenever the heck you want.  Being single means you are independent and you don’t have to have someone in your life to feel secure.  Being single means you are self-reliant.  You are someone who doesn’t need this stupidity to feel like you mean something. 

Don’t get me wrong, love is grand.  And I mean that in the most non-cliché way possible.  I just believe that “love” should be saved for when we’re all older.  I think that the word “love” is far too overused in high school.  As much as we all think we know love, most high school students don’t.  Someone to make out with on the weekends is not the definition of love.  Love is a deep strong commitment that you make with someone else and that they make with you.  Love is when you can trust someone with anything, you want to be with them forever, you can be with them 24/7 and never get sick of them.  Love is a word misused and not meant. I believe that the word love should be something special, not something that you say to your next friend with benefits.

So Valentine’s Day.  Instead of loathing the holiday, laugh at it, even though its stupidity might may silence you. On Valentine’s Day, don’t be sad you don’t have a self-proclaimed Valentine, be glad you don’t. Enjoy yourself as a single human being while you can.

**isn't it funny what you find going through your journal? i like it.

b.