happy one hundred, sweetheart.

one hundred down, six hundred and thirty to go.

i adore you with my whole heart.

baby you save me.

my best friend is someone i can always count on.  he's the person i go to when i'm scared or need help.  he's the person i can sit next to in a comfortable silence, the person who tells me i'm pretty even when my hair isn't done, the one who laughs at all my jokes even when they aren't funny.  my best friend sends me letters when he's away, he ships me rings that remind me of him, he tells me stories he doesn't share with anyone else.  my best friend is honest with me in every situation.  he keeps all my secrets safe.  he always knows what to do.  my best friend hurts when i hurt, and i hurt when he hurts.  my best friend kisses my finger when i hit it on something, he sings me songs when i cannot stop crying, he puts his arm around me when i need it most.  no matter when, no matter where, my best friend will be there to pick me up if i'm afraid or in trouble.  my best friend makes me laugh more than anybody else ever could.  he tells me dirty jokes and we laugh at them together until our sides ache.  we sing to the radio and make homemade rootbeer when we feel like it.  my best friend understands me, and never thinks i'm stupid.  he doesn't judge, he doesn't criticize.  no matter the situation, my best friend is my number one fan.  no matter the situation, i'm his number one fan.  my best friend is the most wonderful person in all the world.  he makes me happy, incandescently happy, and i pray every day that i can make him as happy as he has made me.  i hope i can be all he deserves, because he deserves the best. more than the best.  i love him to death.  he's my lover, my other half, my partner in crime; but more than anything, he is my best friend. no matter how far apart we may be, nothing could ever ruin that.

b.

she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.

i miss you.  i miss our late nights watching movies and i miss our campfires up the canyon where you sang to me and played your guitar for hours. i miss you when i'm sad, when i want you, the only person in this entire world that can comfort me, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss the joking kisses when you arrived at my house for surprise visits, i miss your involvement in my life.  i miss telling you the crazy things that have happened in my life, you giving my brothers silly girl advice, you laughing with me.  i miss your dirty jokes, our smart cookie runs, our long chats.  i miss my best friend, so much.  life isn't life with you away from me.  

i think of our last memories together: sitting in your car two days before you left and me crying into you.  i promise, i was really, truly trying my best not to cry.  i remember the sunday before you left. going to church with you and taking pictures in sunday school... what rebels. i cried again (ugh) and you wrote me a letter that made me cry more.  i remember the day we said goodbye to each other. thirteen days ago. sitting on my couch not knowing what to say... not knowing what to do.  you gave me your mtc address and it was suddenly so real that you, my best friend in this entire world, would leave me for two whole years.  i remember you leaving my house for that final time and saying "see you soon." you kissed me real sweet and left to your car, turning once to wave again and blow me a kiss.  to say that was the hardest moment of my life is an understatement.  i didn't want you to leave. i would have done anything to run to you and never let you go, but i had to let you go. i had to let you go. 

missions are a strange thing.  i know it is so good, and i know you are supposed to be there. i know that. but at the same time, i want you here with me so bad, so terribly it hurts.  every single moment since you have been gone, i've missed you.  i miss you when i'm sad, angry, and lonely... but mostly i miss you when i'm happy.  every time i'm happy, i want to be happy with you.  nothing could ever change that, really.  you're the only person i could ever be totally, completely happy with.  you make me so happy... more than you could ever know.

i don't know. the reality of things is: you're gone. you are, and i just have to face that fact.  you, my dear, will not be with me for one hundred and two more weeks.  i got your letter today, and when i opened it and read your sweet words, suddenly i knew everything was going to be okay.  i'm so glad you're happy.  it makes everything okay because you are happy.  ah, all i know is i love you with all my heart and can't wait for you to get home! scratch that... i can wait.

mm. i love you.

b.

cause 730 days isn't that long... right?

heart beats fast,

colors and promises,

how to be brave,

how can i love when i'm afraid to fall,

but watching you stand alone,

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow,

one step closer.

i have died everyday waiting for you,

darling don't be afraid i have loved you,

for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

time stands still,

beauty in all she is,

i will be brave,

i will not let anything take away,

what's standing in front of me,

every breath,

every hour has come to this,

one step closer.

and all along i believed i would find you,

time has brought your heart to me,

i have loved you for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

one step closer.

one step closer.

b.

p.s. if you want to know what's going on with kyle on his mission, go here.  ky's mom and i will start updating it once he starts sending letters home!

you are all lovely.  

who do i miss?

this boy.

you're more than a lover, you're my best friend.

my eyes hurt. they're puffy and red and my forehead is a little bit blotchy. today i said goodbye to the boy i love with all my heart. i sit on the couch listing to our songs and staring at the picture he gave me of himself with a love note on the back. i log into his facebook just because i can.  i wrap up in the blanket we watched pride and prejudice in on sunday. 

it's crazy to think that for two years everything will be different.  it hurts my heart a lot, actually.

i'm thankful for all the time we had together.  for the moments i squeezed his hand too tight and for the times he let me cry into his shoulder.  i'm thankful for the times at seven peaks, for the first time he told me he loved me, for the family dinners.  i'm thankful for our break-up, our getting back together, our growing a little bit.  i'm thankful for every single moment i have had with him.  

i know it sounds really crazy and possibly unreachable, but i'm going to marry him when he gets home.  i understand that there are a billion boys out there, but out of the billions, i want kyle.  i want kyle.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

he refuses to say goodbye. today he left my house with a "see you soon."

b.

infinity and beyond.

you. remember when we first met? i was fifteen and you were seventeen and we were both in our swim suits.  you were chasing me around the pool at state with a big jug full of water.  remember when it was really awkward between us because we knew we liked each other but shouldn't? i remember that.  remember when we started becoming really good friends and i would bring you cupcakes at work and you would text me every day? remember when my grandpa was dying and you called me when i was driving home from his house? i remember that so clearly.  i don't think you'll ever truly know how much it meant to me.  remember when you came over to my house to be with just me alone for the first time? it was the last day of school and we looked at my yearbook on the couch... really close.  remember the first time you held my hand? we were sitting on my couch late at night and it was absolutely wonderful.  remember our first date to orem days? the first time you kissed me? it was during knight's tale and i had just gotten out of the shower. i remember being so afraid of you kissing me.  there was nothing to be scared of, we fit perfectly. remember our summer under the stars? our late nights on the golf course, our long conversations, and our vehicular activity (wink, wink)? i remember everything.  the whole crazy ride.  every single moment of our time together.

now you're leaving.  in two days we will say our goodbyes and you'll be gone for two years.  i can say things like, "it's going to be really good" or "i'm so excited" but i can't do that right now, sorry.  all i can say is i'm so very proud of you, kyle.  more than you could ever know.  i love you with all my heart and soul and everything else you can love a person with.  you are my other half.  i love you to infinity and beyond... and the mostest hostest.

you're the best.

b.

ten days.

you're leaving.  you're leaving in ten days for two entire years.  it scares me a little bit.  maybe it even makes my heart skip a couple beats and it maybe possibly makes me feel like i have an eyelash stuck on my eyeball.  that's two years without you. which is really long.  but i'm really really trying to make it seem really short.  twenty-four fast sundays, right? every sunday feels like a fast sunday.  that's only one hundred and four weeks... which isn't too many, right? right. right. right. this isn't too bad, right? oh yeah, right. we can do this, we're good. i'm good, you're good, we're good. we can do this.

all i want to say is you make me happy.  it's the way you hold my hand and brush back my hair. it's the way you crookedly smile and laugh with me.  it's the way you grab my hand and waltz with me in the kitchen.  its the way you tackle me to the floor and wrestle me.  it's the way you tickle me and pinch me and it's the way you crack funny-occasionally-sexual jokes at me.  it's the way you get all my weird jokes and the way you answer every question no matter how awkward it should be.  it's the way we are never awkward around each other and it's the way you love me. and the way i love you.

you're my best friend. for real. and i'm not just saying that because it may or may not seem like the most correct thing to say at this time.  i mean it. i really do.  you're my best friend in this entire, giant universe.  out of the nine billion people in the world, you are my best friend. yes. you. and i wouldn't trade what we have for anything.  even a bajillion dollars. even six bajillion dollars, even an infinite amount of fourteen-zillion dollar bills. yeah, i'd choose you.

you're the best. i heart you...

love, b.

p.s. we're gon get real good at letter writing.

p.p.s. the date above is wrong. i don't exactly know why. this was written november 27, 2011. thank you and have a nice day.

la de da la da da de de da la da.

maybe i like to be with you.  maybe i like that every word that comes out of your mouth makes me laugh or maybe it's your hugs that nobody elses' can compare to. maybe it's how your sometimes hat hair and my sometimes really curly hair compliment each other.  maybe it's that i'm the only one that gets your jokes and you're the only one that gets mine.  maybe it's the way you can anger me like nobody else can, and somehow we're still best friends.  maybe it's the late night phone calls or maybe it's the eating and eating and eating because neither of us ever get full.  maybe it's the downloading of each others' itunes or the conversations about our future.  maybe it's your dedication, or maybe it's how laid back you are all the time.  maybe it's the way you make me smile whenever i'm around you or maybe it's how you make me feel like the most special girl in the world because that's how you treat me.  maybe it's the way you've grown up in the past two weeks and maybe it's the way i've grown up in the past two weeks.  maybe it's the blog posts that don't make any sense to anybody but me and you or maybe it's the long car drives up the canyon.  maybe it's that one time we kissed underwater or maybe it was that one time we chased each other around state when we were young.  maybe i don't know why i like to be with you so much. maybe. possibly. probably.

all i know is that i do.

b.

we heart tim.

tim mcgraw was my first love (besides my daddy). i was the little girl running around in underwear and pigtails singing "don't take the girl." tim was my favorite, tim has always been my favorite, and guess who came to concert in good ol' utah last night? tim. guess who bought this lucky girl tickets? kyle. guess who went and had the absolute best time of her life? me.

i love tim mcgraw.

here are some pictures from the night:

"from the back of that red ragtop, she said please don't stop lovin' me."


b.

p.s. welcome follower #7. we are happy to have you here.

i'm not skirting around it any longer, i like a boy named kyle.

there's this boy. and his name is kyle. and every time i'm with him i feel like i'm floating.  there's something about him that i am unable to describe, something that, no matter how intently i try, never forms words. i am so absolutely crazy about him. he is wonderful beyond words.  

i have always been afraid of love, but now, for some crazy reason, i'm not. i don't know much about it, love i mean. i'm no expert, and i won't pretend to be.  all i know is that i'm learning. each day, i learn a little more what love's about.

i watched you sleeping,

quietly in my bed.

you don't know this now,

but there's some things that need to be said.

and it's all that i can hear,

it's more than i can bear.

what if i fall and hurt myself,

would you know how to fix me?

if i went out and lost myself,

would you know where to find me?

if i forgot who i am,

would you please remind me?

oh,

cause without you things go hazy.

b.