homemaking at its finest.

we shopped, covered my kitchen in neon cake batter, licked beaters, talked about boys, burned chocolate, and experienced multiple marshmallow mishaps. all in all, it was a successful multi-colored, eight and a half pound parcel creating day.

that boy better love this beauty.

b.

happy one hundred, sweetheart.

one hundred down, six hundred and thirty to go.

i adore you with my whole heart.

a love poem just for me.

there once was a boy named kyle.
he was about seven hundred miles from home,
he thinks about her every mile he walks,
so he attempted to write a valentine's poem.

this beautiful girl is named brittani,
she is the girl of kyle's wildest dreams,
he really did try to rhyme with "brittani,"
but he's not the best poet by any means.

he just wants her to know that he loves her,
more than anyone else in this world,
he prays every night that she is happy,
and wants to be with her forever.

i can't rhyme that well, but it doesn't matter.


i love that boy.

b.

just gotta keep on keeping on.

this whole "let's have your best friend leave for two years and your only communication is via the united states postal service and one internet-mediated page of script per week" thing is, for lack of a better word, difficult. two years sounds like an eternity, i know. everyone says it's going to "go by so fast" and "two years really isn't that much" but as time flies and you fill up that chart every day, you are constantly aware of how many dots you still have left.  you could be me, for instance, putting a sticker on the number sixty-two today (which seems like an eternity, doesn't it?) and realize that you have only filled up the "c" and two lines of the "a" in the phrase called to serve.  it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

here's the reality of things.  each day is twenty-four hours, and two years will always remain seven hundred and thirty days long.  that's just how life goes, that's just how time moves.  as each day passes and you stick another little dot on that chart, you realize that time really will move fast.  it may not be the "oh, it'll go by so fast you won't even know it" that others say, but it isn't an eternity, it isn't forever.  

i wouldn't say it's easy. heck no, having your best friend miles and miles away is hard. so hard. but it's so not the impossible feat everyone claims it is.  if you love someone, you will love them the entire two years they are gone- it's as simple as that.  if you two are meant to be, you will be.  every letter is like a miracle, every email is a blessing, every photograph is something wonderful to look forward to.  he's doing what he's supposed to, so while he's gone, don't mope around.  make something out of yourself.  take this two year opportunity to learn to write awesome letters, attempt to create awesome photographs, and go forth with all the pinterest ideas you've pinned- he won't know where they came from, and he'll think you're the most creative being alive, trust me.

it's not forever.  it's two years.  two years that will make you both grow.  it's hard, but it's okay.  you'll be okay, he'll be okay.  sooner than later, you'll be at the airport waiting for him to come down the escalator- trust me.

b.

love my elder smith.

postage.

i open my mailbox and glance eagerly inside, my hands sifting through the electronically addressed envelopes.  bill, bill, someone offering a credit card, some unknown college. my heart then skips a beat (or two, or three) as my fingertips discover a worn envelope with my name penned so neatly in the center.  the top right corner includes the words santa barbara and the stamp is pasted neatly on the edge.  i weigh the parcel in my hand, subconsciously guessing the number of pages i knew would be covered in his tidy capitals.  i then rush home, looking absurd on my smallest brother's razor scooter.  one hand on the bar, the other grasping my letter.  i rush into my house and settle on the couch, running my fingers over my name and slowly under the seal.  the lined paper lies innocently folded in the envelope, and when i begin to read the letter that begins with the two words, "hey, love" i'm home again.

b.

c'est la vie.

hello everyone! because i have been awful, awful i tell you, at keeping up kyle's blog, i created a new one just for his mission.  this way, i'll actually know what's going on because i formatted it, causing me to post more.

anyway,

please follow this here blog. (click the "here" click the "here!")

in a crowded place, i see just your face.

i received some videos from the boy i love today.  i've never heard a better rendition of "i hope they call me on a mission." he makes me smile in every single situation.  he is my other half.

everyone, send your prayers to my socal boy.  help him feel our warmth from miles away.

thanks a bunch and a half.

b.

when i saw him, felt the room divide into pieces,

oh, the lights danced around us just like stars in the sky.

she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.

i miss you.  i miss our late nights watching movies and i miss our campfires up the canyon where you sang to me and played your guitar for hours. i miss you when i'm sad, when i want you, the only person in this entire world that can comfort me, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss the joking kisses when you arrived at my house for surprise visits, i miss your involvement in my life.  i miss telling you the crazy things that have happened in my life, you giving my brothers silly girl advice, you laughing with me.  i miss your dirty jokes, our smart cookie runs, our long chats.  i miss my best friend, so much.  life isn't life with you away from me.  

i think of our last memories together: sitting in your car two days before you left and me crying into you.  i promise, i was really, truly trying my best not to cry.  i remember the sunday before you left. going to church with you and taking pictures in sunday school... what rebels. i cried again (ugh) and you wrote me a letter that made me cry more.  i remember the day we said goodbye to each other. thirteen days ago. sitting on my couch not knowing what to say... not knowing what to do.  you gave me your mtc address and it was suddenly so real that you, my best friend in this entire world, would leave me for two whole years.  i remember you leaving my house for that final time and saying "see you soon." you kissed me real sweet and left to your car, turning once to wave again and blow me a kiss.  to say that was the hardest moment of my life is an understatement.  i didn't want you to leave. i would have done anything to run to you and never let you go, but i had to let you go. i had to let you go. 

missions are a strange thing.  i know it is so good, and i know you are supposed to be there. i know that. but at the same time, i want you here with me so bad, so terribly it hurts.  every single moment since you have been gone, i've missed you.  i miss you when i'm sad, angry, and lonely... but mostly i miss you when i'm happy.  every time i'm happy, i want to be happy with you.  nothing could ever change that, really.  you're the only person i could ever be totally, completely happy with.  you make me so happy... more than you could ever know.

i don't know. the reality of things is: you're gone. you are, and i just have to face that fact.  you, my dear, will not be with me for one hundred and two more weeks.  i got your letter today, and when i opened it and read your sweet words, suddenly i knew everything was going to be okay.  i'm so glad you're happy.  it makes everything okay because you are happy.  ah, all i know is i love you with all my heart and can't wait for you to get home! scratch that... i can wait.

mm. i love you.

b.

cause 730 days isn't that long... right?

heart beats fast,

colors and promises,

how to be brave,

how can i love when i'm afraid to fall,

but watching you stand alone,

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow,

one step closer.

i have died everyday waiting for you,

darling don't be afraid i have loved you,

for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

time stands still,

beauty in all she is,

i will be brave,

i will not let anything take away,

what's standing in front of me,

every breath,

every hour has come to this,

one step closer.

and all along i believed i would find you,

time has brought your heart to me,

i have loved you for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

one step closer.

one step closer.

b.

p.s. if you want to know what's going on with kyle on his mission, go here.  ky's mom and i will start updating it once he starts sending letters home!

you are all lovely.  

who do i miss?

this boy.

you're more than a lover, you're my best friend.

my eyes hurt. they're puffy and red and my forehead is a little bit blotchy. today i said goodbye to the boy i love with all my heart. i sit on the couch listing to our songs and staring at the picture he gave me of himself with a love note on the back. i log into his facebook just because i can.  i wrap up in the blanket we watched pride and prejudice in on sunday. 

it's crazy to think that for two years everything will be different.  it hurts my heart a lot, actually.

i'm thankful for all the time we had together.  for the moments i squeezed his hand too tight and for the times he let me cry into his shoulder.  i'm thankful for the times at seven peaks, for the first time he told me he loved me, for the family dinners.  i'm thankful for our break-up, our getting back together, our growing a little bit.  i'm thankful for every single moment i have had with him.  

i know it sounds really crazy and possibly unreachable, but i'm going to marry him when he gets home.  i understand that there are a billion boys out there, but out of the billions, i want kyle.  i want kyle.

i love you, i love you, i love you.

he refuses to say goodbye. today he left my house with a "see you soon."

b.

infinity and beyond.

you. remember when we first met? i was fifteen and you were seventeen and we were both in our swim suits.  you were chasing me around the pool at state with a big jug full of water.  remember when it was really awkward between us because we knew we liked each other but shouldn't? i remember that.  remember when we started becoming really good friends and i would bring you cupcakes at work and you would text me every day? remember when my grandpa was dying and you called me when i was driving home from his house? i remember that so clearly.  i don't think you'll ever truly know how much it meant to me.  remember when you came over to my house to be with just me alone for the first time? it was the last day of school and we looked at my yearbook on the couch... really close.  remember the first time you held my hand? we were sitting on my couch late at night and it was absolutely wonderful.  remember our first date to orem days? the first time you kissed me? it was during knight's tale and i had just gotten out of the shower. i remember being so afraid of you kissing me.  there was nothing to be scared of, we fit perfectly. remember our summer under the stars? our late nights on the golf course, our long conversations, and our vehicular activity (wink, wink)? i remember everything.  the whole crazy ride.  every single moment of our time together.

now you're leaving.  in two days we will say our goodbyes and you'll be gone for two years.  i can say things like, "it's going to be really good" or "i'm so excited" but i can't do that right now, sorry.  all i can say is i'm so very proud of you, kyle.  more than you could ever know.  i love you with all my heart and soul and everything else you can love a person with.  you are my other half.  i love you to infinity and beyond... and the mostest hostest.

you're the best.

b.