she ran away in her sleep and dreamed of paradise.

i miss you.  i miss our late nights watching movies and i miss our campfires up the canyon where you sang to me and played your guitar for hours. i miss you when i'm sad, when i want you, the only person in this entire world that can comfort me, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.  i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss the joking kisses when you arrived at my house for surprise visits, i miss your involvement in my life.  i miss telling you the crazy things that have happened in my life, you giving my brothers silly girl advice, you laughing with me.  i miss your dirty jokes, our smart cookie runs, our long chats.  i miss my best friend, so much.  life isn't life with you away from me.  

i think of our last memories together: sitting in your car two days before you left and me crying into you.  i promise, i was really, truly trying my best not to cry.  i remember the sunday before you left. going to church with you and taking pictures in sunday school... what rebels. i cried again (ugh) and you wrote me a letter that made me cry more.  i remember the day we said goodbye to each other. thirteen days ago. sitting on my couch not knowing what to say... not knowing what to do.  you gave me your mtc address and it was suddenly so real that you, my best friend in this entire world, would leave me for two whole years.  i remember you leaving my house for that final time and saying "see you soon." you kissed me real sweet and left to your car, turning once to wave again and blow me a kiss.  to say that was the hardest moment of my life is an understatement.  i didn't want you to leave. i would have done anything to run to you and never let you go, but i had to let you go. i had to let you go. 

missions are a strange thing.  i know it is so good, and i know you are supposed to be there. i know that. but at the same time, i want you here with me so bad, so terribly it hurts.  every single moment since you have been gone, i've missed you.  i miss you when i'm sad, angry, and lonely... but mostly i miss you when i'm happy.  every time i'm happy, i want to be happy with you.  nothing could ever change that, really.  you're the only person i could ever be totally, completely happy with.  you make me so happy... more than you could ever know.

i don't know. the reality of things is: you're gone. you are, and i just have to face that fact.  you, my dear, will not be with me for one hundred and two more weeks.  i got your letter today, and when i opened it and read your sweet words, suddenly i knew everything was going to be okay.  i'm so glad you're happy.  it makes everything okay because you are happy.  ah, all i know is i love you with all my heart and can't wait for you to get home! scratch that... i can wait.

mm. i love you.

b.

cause 730 days isn't that long... right?

heart beats fast,

colors and promises,

how to be brave,

how can i love when i'm afraid to fall,

but watching you stand alone,

all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow,

one step closer.

i have died everyday waiting for you,

darling don't be afraid i have loved you,

for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

time stands still,

beauty in all she is,

i will be brave,

i will not let anything take away,

what's standing in front of me,

every breath,

every hour has come to this,

one step closer.

and all along i believed i would find you,

time has brought your heart to me,

i have loved you for a thousand years,

i'll love you for a thousand more.

one step closer.

one step closer.

b.

p.s. if you want to know what's going on with kyle on his mission, go here.  ky's mom and i will start updating it once he starts sending letters home!

you are all lovely.  

who do i miss?

this boy.

infinity and beyond.

you. remember when we first met? i was fifteen and you were seventeen and we were both in our swim suits.  you were chasing me around the pool at state with a big jug full of water.  remember when it was really awkward between us because we knew we liked each other but shouldn't? i remember that.  remember when we started becoming really good friends and i would bring you cupcakes at work and you would text me every day? remember when my grandpa was dying and you called me when i was driving home from his house? i remember that so clearly.  i don't think you'll ever truly know how much it meant to me.  remember when you came over to my house to be with just me alone for the first time? it was the last day of school and we looked at my yearbook on the couch... really close.  remember the first time you held my hand? we were sitting on my couch late at night and it was absolutely wonderful.  remember our first date to orem days? the first time you kissed me? it was during knight's tale and i had just gotten out of the shower. i remember being so afraid of you kissing me.  there was nothing to be scared of, we fit perfectly. remember our summer under the stars? our late nights on the golf course, our long conversations, and our vehicular activity (wink, wink)? i remember everything.  the whole crazy ride.  every single moment of our time together.

now you're leaving.  in two days we will say our goodbyes and you'll be gone for two years.  i can say things like, "it's going to be really good" or "i'm so excited" but i can't do that right now, sorry.  all i can say is i'm so very proud of you, kyle.  more than you could ever know.  i love you with all my heart and soul and everything else you can love a person with.  you are my other half.  i love you to infinity and beyond... and the mostest hostest.

you're the best.

b.

ten days.

you're leaving.  you're leaving in ten days for two entire years.  it scares me a little bit.  maybe it even makes my heart skip a couple beats and it maybe possibly makes me feel like i have an eyelash stuck on my eyeball.  that's two years without you. which is really long.  but i'm really really trying to make it seem really short.  twenty-four fast sundays, right? every sunday feels like a fast sunday.  that's only one hundred and four weeks... which isn't too many, right? right. right. right. this isn't too bad, right? oh yeah, right. we can do this, we're good. i'm good, you're good, we're good. we can do this.

all i want to say is you make me happy.  it's the way you hold my hand and brush back my hair. it's the way you crookedly smile and laugh with me.  it's the way you grab my hand and waltz with me in the kitchen.  its the way you tackle me to the floor and wrestle me.  it's the way you tickle me and pinch me and it's the way you crack funny-occasionally-sexual jokes at me.  it's the way you get all my weird jokes and the way you answer every question no matter how awkward it should be.  it's the way we are never awkward around each other and it's the way you love me. and the way i love you.

you're my best friend. for real. and i'm not just saying that because it may or may not seem like the most correct thing to say at this time.  i mean it. i really do.  you're my best friend in this entire, giant universe.  out of the nine billion people in the world, you are my best friend. yes. you. and i wouldn't trade what we have for anything.  even a bajillion dollars. even six bajillion dollars, even an infinite amount of fourteen-zillion dollar bills. yeah, i'd choose you.

you're the best. i heart you...

love, b.

p.s. we're gon get real good at letter writing.

p.p.s. the date above is wrong. i don't exactly know why. this was written november 27, 2011. thank you and have a nice day.

748 miles.

ventura, california. ventura, california. ventura, california.

ventura, california is where he's going. 748 miles away. for 730 days. that's 24 fast sundays. that's 104 weeks. that's so many seconds and minutes and hours that i am going to be away from him and he's going to be away from me. it's two years of letters and notes and little packages and thoughts about how he's doing and where he is and what he's thinking.  that's 24 months of my secret conflicting wishes that he's thinking of me and his duty at the same time.  that's 17,520 hours of baking cookies that will taste like tin by the time they get to him, traveling to california and wishing that i could see him, school with boys that i pretend to like. it's college, it's family, it's changing dreams and changing culture. it's new movies that i won't see with him and sentences that i'll have to hold in my immediate "that's what she said" because he's the only one who understands. it's the absence of his cologne and the farewell to his constant guitar playing. it's the text messages that lower and the free phone minutes that raise. it's the concerts with different people that i don't know how to sing around, and the tim mcgraw loving that will seem to disappear. it's two entire years. two years that everything will change.

it's two years we can make it through, me in the snow and him on the beach. it's two years that will make me better at letter-writing and package sending. it's two years of figuring out myself and him becoming a bigger man. it's only two years. it's only 24 fast sundays and 17,520 hours. it's only that long.

only two years and 748 miles.

b.