find me in the galaxy.

punch to the face, punch to the face, punch to the face.

today i cried; today i cried a lot.  i cried because things are really different now then they ever have been and i cried because when i eagerly ripped open that letter in the mail and started in on the first paragraph, my brain turned to oatmeal.  my eyes skimmed over those words, my voice got caught in my throat, and my eyes stung with the hot saline solution threatening to erupt any moment from the two holes in my face.  i looked at the meaningless scribbles of ink on the paper that faked understanding and kindness, the lines and curves and stupidity that mimicked any type of love, the meaningless everything, and for a moment, nothing in this world was even real anymore. it wasn't real. i wasn't real.  everything was just an act. 

nothing's real anymore.  everything is a show.  i can't care about anything or else i'm weak.  i can't accomplish anything or i'm arrogant.  i can't say anything or i'm wrong.  well, you know what? i'm sick of it. i'm brittani and i'm real.  i cried when he told me he'd come and he didn't.  sometimes i look in the mirror and feel insignificant and ugly.  i am oftentimes insecure.  i miss my old best friend so terribly it hurts.  i don't believe i'll ever get married.  it stings that my grandmother doesn't know anything about me. i spend hours writing letters i will never send. i love going tanning.  my mother is my absolute best friend.  my heart ached all day today.  i'm terrified of tomorrow.  i have a hard time focusing.  i believe in myself more than anybody else does.  i write weekly goals that don't get accomplished.  i sleep on my stomach.  i have extremely curly hair.  i wear leggings as pants sometimes. i have millions of regrets.  i believe life is never fair. i hate cats so much (sorry indie people). i always have the urge to key someone's car. i never proofread my writing. i cry more than your average person.  the future doesn't scare me.  i love my family. i'm real.

please, don't send me another letter.  please get out of my life.  i'm tired of plans that don't matter to anybody but me.

b.