country music, raindrops, and an old backroad.

yesterday my momma asked me what i wanted in a man. after listing off the eternity-long list that every girl has, i remembered something awfully important: my man must be silly with me.  immediately my mind wandered to monday night, driving home from cottonwood heights.  we had country playing far too loud and my voice was far too off key as we sang every word to that tim mcgraw song. we teased and laughed so hard i could feel a six pack coming on. we parked the car on a backroad and listened to the rain. for that moment, every single thing in my life was perfect, absolutely perfect. i love how he's silly.

"if it was you and me against the world, you get the car, i'll get the cash, we'll take the money and run."


b.

happiness and such.

i believe that anybody can be truly happy. if you want to be happy, be. the only way to true happiness is being honest with yourself, no matter the situation. happiness is thinking through your actions and making decisions that will benefit you in the long run, not just satisfy your immediate appetite. happiness is finding someone that you love to death and spending forever with him. happiness is what you make your own life. i believe happiness is a choice.

i am happy.

"when i was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. when i went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i wrote down 'happy'. they told me i didn't understand the assignment, i told them they didn't understand life."
-John Lennon 


b.

sorry oregon, but it's time for me to head back to utah.

hello. my name is brittani and i am terribly, terribly homesick.

...the worst is having one billion and twelve things to say about this homesickness and realizing who reads this blog. off to my journal!

all i have to say is: thank you, (you know who you are), for being the best friend in the entire world and helping me through my crazy times. i'll make you a cupcake.

b.

letters to crushes and other twitterpation-ridden activities.

"and i know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way. and i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could. can't get my mind off of you, can't get my mind off of you."

here i am. lying on my stomach on my hotel room bed all alone listening to love songs and reading letters to crushes. i'm kind of missing someone terribly.

here are some of my favorite letters:

T,

You have been my best friend since we were 5. I fell in love with D and you helped me through it... but secretly you had fallen in love with me. When D and I ended, I was struggling. You helped me out. I cried on your shoulder. You slipped me notes to tell me to "cheer up or the sun would stop shining" in the middle of class...

After a while I moved on and I realized that God allowed what happened to happen because I was meant to fall in love with you.

I realized that I can see every freckle on your face if I close my eyes, that I can conjure up your scent anytime I want. I realized that I love how you use funny little words like "ain't" and that when you are texting or emailing me you use "lol" excessively... I can imagine you laughing at everything I send to you even though its not really very funny just like I do with the things you say to me. I realized that when I read something you send to me I can imagine your voice saying it. I realized that I have the way you walk memorized....

I love you T,

A

J -

I like how you play the piano and how you're always writing. I like your taste in the arts and culture. I don't pay much attention to the way girls dress but I happen to love the way you do it. I love your smile and the way your cheek crinkles when you grin. I like your wit and how I'll never measure up to it. I love how oblivious you are to your own intelligence. I love you, I love you, I love you.

A

it's been six years and it's finally happening.

you never know what can happen.

there's heat lightning outside flashing through the windows. i imagine if you take a microscope and take photos of my heart when i see you everyday, that's exactly what it looks like

Next time I see you, I'm going to kiss you. I don't care what you think. I don't care who's there. I'll wrap my arms around your neck for our usual hug, then I'll smile, stand on the very tips of my toes, as you are so tall and I so short, and I shall kiss you in a flurry of hope and adrenaline.

Maybe if I stopped thinking about you for like 2 seconds, I could actually do something productive.

hooray for letters to crushes! hooray for love and stuff.

b.

what's up in july.

reading... currently i'm reading the hiding place. it's depressing. i think i'll go back and read a tree grows in brooklyn again. it's my favorite book of all time.

making... i just made some soup in a cup because i'm in a hotel room. it was some good soup in a cup.

listening... hazy by william fitzsimmons and rosi golan. one of my favorite songs right now.

watching... project runway. no comment.

loving... we all know who i'm loving.

trying... to be a better person who gossips less and is optimistic more.  i think things would be happier.

how's your july?

b.

britt and difficulties.

so, i have to update the video for the feed every day because each day it  is different links. probably doesn't make any sense, but it makes sense to me.  so. moral of the story, the video will be yesterday's feed until after i'm done swimming today because i'll be at the pool when the link posts. make sense?  so essentially it's pointless.

to watch my races today, as many of you are asking, follow the directions below.


1. go to ihigh.com
2. go to broadcasts in the top navigation bar. DON'T click on it, a dropdown menu will come up.
3. click on... i think it will be SCS Sectionals. it will say it's live from portland. that is me!

swimming today.
100 free: possibly kim welch, adam mason
200 breast: ME, nathan bramhall, sam blackburn
200 back: chris neilson
200 fly: dani vaughan, kim welch
medley relay: hast, hast

so, that's it if you're wanting to watch us! text me if you have any questions, i probably won't have my phone. but try anyway!

b.

hello, oregon. how i love thee.

today i landed in the wondrous state of oregon. i am here at mt. hood community college for a big swim meet named sectionals. i just returned from the pool after warm ups, and i'm headed back in approximately 45 minutes to race... eek.  there's something about oregon that i absolutely love. i mean, i'd end up awfully depressed if i lived here with all this rain and the sky consistently overcast, but the time i spend here is lovely.  i love all the green and the beautiful coast. oregon is just lovely.

now, on to the swimming. this is my fourth time at this meet. i love this meet. there is a definite difference in skill level, which makes everything so much easier.  you get in the pool for warm ups and it's almost expected that you run someone over. there aren't any small children that take up the wall, which is a definite bonus. all the technology is new and efficient. the competition is crazy. everybody is so fast and accomplished. i love it. i love the feeling and the atmosphere.

this sectionals is more significant than the others because of one thing: the goal.  every other sectional meet i have been to, i have been reaching for a faster time.  this sectionals i'm reaching for one thing: a nationals cut.  sometimes it stresses me out to think about, but now i realize i have put in all my work. i have dedicated my life to this goal, and i can achieve it.

i am so privileged to be here. i am in a beautiful state with a lovely team and supportive coaches. i have everything i need to accomplish every goal i have. i love everyone. that's the gist of things. life is dang good, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

b.

p.s. the video above is the meet i'm swimming at currently. it's live feed. thank you all, have a nice day.

what goes around comes around.

sometimes the only consolation i have is squeezing my eyes together and thinking "karma. karma"

...hey, it works for me.

b.

what a beautiful mess i'm in.

today is one of those days where nothing in specifically wonderful happened, but it was all perfect and  beautiful.  every single crazy moment was wonderful. 

it was beautiful when.

1. every child in my last swim lesson was jumping in against my will... but one little boy swam all the way across for the first time.

2. i kept getting 15.1's at practice and finally pulled a 14.4.

3. i was driving home when a wasp flew in my car and up my shorts and stung my bum 4 times... but my family all laughed and laughed when i got home at the sight i made jumping out of my car and taking off my shorts in the middle of the road.

4. when i went to my pal's house and he hadn't showered yet, so i hung out with his wonderful, beautiful family.

life's a beautiful mess i've determined.  nothing ever goes perfectly as planned, but in the end, it's all just that, perfect.  the entire experience is what makes the end or the destination so wonderful.  we can't expect life to go perfectly.  we have our rough spots. everyone gets their hearts broken, everybody fails a test, everybody falls down and makes an idiot out of themselves. the important thing is that when we get our hearts broken, we move on; when we fail a test, we study harder next time; when we fall down and make an idiot out of ourself, we get up and take a bow.  what makes this life beautiful is the reactions we have to the circumstances we are faced with.  what we choose is what makes or breaks our happiness.  i believe this with every single part of me.  

life... is a beautiful mess.  i couldn't ask for anything better.

b.

i like awkward.

people felt awkward today while:

a. my swimsuit was riding up like a madman, so i was consistently picking my wedgie.  i think it must have been even more awkward for them when i was too lazy to pick it and just left my suit bunched awkwardly in my bum. don't imagine it, you'll feel awkward.

b. when people walked past my friend's car during a thunderstorm and we were crumpled in the backseat. don't worry, it was solely for the purpose of escaping the elements.  we got a lot of dirty looks. i would have liked to have played that up. a little banging on the sides of the car, some legs flying on the windows, and possibly a pair of panties being launched out the side window would have been a nice touch.

c. when i really liked this picture of hamburger cupcakes. i don't think that actually made anybody feel awkward, but i want a hamburger cupcake tomorrow... i don't know why not today, but it sounds real good for tomorrow.

d. when i was running along deck and almost fell and knocked myself out.  the worst feeling is sliding along the side of the pool on one flip flop praying that nobody is watching this terrifying incident occur, then looking up to see people laughing.  that's the part where i bowed. i confused those boys.

e. when i dove in for butterfly and realized that i really, really wasn't cut out for that stroke.

f. when i'm stuck on the letter f because i don't want to end with e.  all i keep thinking is finlayson, finlayson, finlayson, frog.  my mind does loops and loops.

it was real awkward when i was complaining about my nose size and i realized voldemort was in the room.


b.

daydreams and my best friend.

today i drove both of my brothers to their lacrosse games.  i opened a dove chocolate to give to my brother and i glanced at the words on the surrounding foil.  "daydream." there is something about the word daydream that makes me think back on everything and realize how wonderful life is.

one specific thing that i love right now is my best friend elizabeth.  we were good friends in ninth grade, but with changing circumstances and different high schools, we grew apart.  i don't exactly remember how we came back into contact, but somehow we did, very recently, and we have been connected-at-the-hip best friends ever since.

i tell elizabeth absolutely everything.  we are so alike in so many ways, she understands where i'm coming from and what i'm going through.  we have similar personalities and we make similar choices.  we believe similar things and have similar goals.  i was having a pretty bad day one day this week and she sent me a text, out of the blue, that made my day completely.  she knows what i need to hear, and she knows when to say it. sometimes i think elizabeth and i have some sort of twin telepathy. we think the same things and laugh when we both bring up the same thing at the same time.  i can be myself around her, she's my sister i have never had.

however we became best friends and whenever it happened, i'm so thankful it did.  i love her to death.  thank you e for being my best friend. i love you.

p.s. come back already! i miss your face.

p.p.s. happy birthday in TWO days.

b.

**GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? i finally am using my own photographs. i know, it took awhile... but better late than never, right? right.

things that make me terribly happy.

(in the style of taza)

1. my family. why? they always love me. even when i'm all over the place... like i usually am.

2. kyle. why? he's loves me for me.  he's real and doesn't hold me back. he is protective and kind and sweet. he cares about me and takes care of me. he is just my kyle.

3. swimming. why? swimming is indescribable.  i wouldn't be me without it.  ...and i am an overachiever...

4. piano. why? because piano lets me show my emotion. it is a limitless form of art that i adore.  i love finally getting that one hard scale right, or finishing a song and playing the masterpiece all together.  i love it when people listen and are touched by the beauty streaming from the piano.  i love feeling it, i love playing it.

5. art. why? most people don't know i'm an art nut.  i always have been.  i try to keep it to myself because there are so many better artists out there and in all honesty, they intimidate me.  my great-grandma rene is an amazing artist, and every time i see her paintings i get a little closer to coming out of my shell.  i absolutely love art.  i love the creativity behind it, i love the feeling of a paintbrush in my hand... there's just something about art that i adore.

6. music. why? because music is one of the only things you can't fake in life.  you either adore it or you don't like it at all.  i love the pure honesty of music. you always know what's on someone's mind by the music they listen to. ...cause without you things go hazy...

7.  paper cranes.  why? i don't really know. but i have some deep obsessive adoration for these little origami creatures.

8. the number 8. why? it's always been my lucky number.

9. soft blankets. when they smell like the washer. why? it's the best feeling to cuddle up in a soft blanket. especially if it's with someone special. 

10. writing. why? i can't believe i didn't remember this earlier in my list! i love to write. absolutely love to write.  i love every single thing about writing. (except writers' block. but that's not the point)

so there you have it.  a couple things that make me absolutely, terribly happy.  life's good isn't it?

life in general... makes me terribly happy.

b.

guess what guys? it's my birthday tomorrow!

i know, you're all stoked.

even though my day is going to be normal with work and swim, i am still excited. i have a fun family to play with and some wonderful friends who absolutely spoil me. i'm going to be real old. old enough that... i still can't go to jail. oh well, nothing new actually happens at this upcoming age, but i still feel old!

okay, enough about old. i'm getting wrinkles thinking about all this.

have a happy 8th of july everyone! remember who you are.

b.

forget about the rules and the fear.

b.

fireworks, watermelon, swimming, and some summer lovin'.

happy fourth of july everyone.

this is when our great nation earned its independence.  which means:

let's celebrate by blowing things up.

sounds like a good plan to me.

today we are heading up to my grandmama's house to barbeque, swim, and watch some pretty fireworks at sugarhouse park. all the while taking pictures with my new camera. (have i told you yet i can't get enough of that beautiful thing? cause i really can't.)  

i love the fourth. i get to spend all day with my wonderful family and some special friends, we eat and laugh and play and finish the night with my grandma forcing all of us into saying, "ooh, aah." after every single firework to satisfy her glitter-in-the-sky obsession. good people, good times.

i hope everyone has a lovely day full of watermelon wedges and family laughter.

one word of advice: don't catch on fire.

love, b.

i'm not skirting around it any longer, i like a boy named kyle.

there's this boy. and his name is kyle. and every time i'm with him i feel like i'm floating.  there's something about him that i am unable to describe, something that, no matter how intently i try, never forms words. i am so absolutely crazy about him. he is wonderful beyond words.  

i have always been afraid of love, but now, for some crazy reason, i'm not. i don't know much about it, love i mean. i'm no expert, and i won't pretend to be.  all i know is that i'm learning. each day, i learn a little more what love's about.

i watched you sleeping,

quietly in my bed.

you don't know this now,

but there's some things that need to be said.

and it's all that i can hear,

it's more than i can bear.

what if i fall and hurt myself,

would you know how to fix me?

if i went out and lost myself,

would you know where to find me?

if i forgot who i am,

would you please remind me?

oh,

cause without you things go hazy.

b.

i'll be seeing you.

today i am thankful for eternal families.  two of my grandfathers passed away this year. my grandpa gary passed away february 20th after battling stage four pancreatic cancer and my great grandpa bob passed away june 29th.  i was laying in my bed this morning thinking of the wonderful knowledge we have. how wonderful is it that i know that i will see both of my grandpas again. i know they're together and having an amazing time partying it up in heaven. i know that when i die i will see them. i know all these things with such surety it amazes me.

my grandpa gary and i were really close.  i remember talking to him about some of my "boy" problems one night on his couch. he put his arm around me and told me that i was perfect.  we have always shared this wonderful connection.  my grandpa was one of my best friends.  my grandpa made an effort to come to every one of my swim meets, every one of my little piano recitals, my dance recitals. my grandpa was always there for me.  i have countless memories of our little special conversations, our games of pool soccer, water slides in idaho, swim meets in pleasanton.  my grandpa was such a prevalent figure in my life.  i always, always knew that he loved me.  in the last few days of his life he wasn't able to talk. i sat by his chair and he would hold my hand.  i said, "grandpa, i love you." and even though he was staring off into space, even though his voice could form no words, his hand squeezed mine tightly.

it has been really hard to have him gone.  my mind has realized that my precious grandpa will never be here with me again, but my heart hasn't accepted that reality yet.  my grandpa is just on a trip to me. and sometimes it hits me that he's not coming home. again, i'm so thankful that i believe what i believe. or should i say, i know what i know. i will see my grandfather again. he'll put his arm around me again and tell me that i'm perfect.  i know my grandfather will still be here for me. i know he'll be here at my wedding, he'll be here to be my children's great grandfather, he will be there at my big swim meets, he'll still be here.  i am so lucky, so SO lucky, to know what i know.

my grandpa gary was such an example to me, is such a great example to me.  he has taught me so much throughout my life.

i miss you grandpa, i love you.

to see his obituary and realize how truly wonderful he is, look here.

my grandpa bob and i were also  close. i have memories of him teaching me the alphabet backwards (i still can to this day), making rubber band balls, and him telling me of his horror "left-handed-child-in-the-olden-days" stories.  his hair was always classily slicked back, and he always had a happy smile on his face.  he has taught me so much. he was such a wonderful man. i love him and i will miss him.

to see his obituary, look here.

every single day, i am so thankful for my church.

b.

guess what i purchased today?

a new camera!

...the brand new canon rebel t2i... to be precise.  and i love it.

b.